Kerry Soper—Humor Columns

Utah Hiking Etiquette By Kerry Soper (Published in  Utah Life  magazine, May, 2019) Have you ever been minding your own business, eating a breakfast burrito while walking along one of the many, beautiful outdoor trails that border our fine cities here in Utah—and then all of a sudden you encounter another person (maybe a runner) and the two of you can’t figure out who has the right of way?   This happened to me recently, and it was pretty awkward: burritos were dropped, tempers were flared, and we accidentally ended up doing one of those sophisticated tango routines you sometimes see on  Dancing with the Stars .  (I tried to smooth things over with a bit of friendly tickling, but the damage had already been done—that guy was not  happy.)    Sadly, these types of unfortunate encounters are only going to become more common as additional people move into our state—and as advances in burrito technology make us into increasingly larger Utah...

Why I'd Miss Scouting  By Kerry Soper (Published in  Utah Life  Magazine, September, 2018) As a longtime volunteer in the Scouting organization and a proud, former Boy Scout who spent years watching my mom earn the rank of Eagle Scout for me, I was saddened to hear that this organization is on the decline in Utah. Whether you’re Friend, Foe, or passive aggressive Frenemy of Scouting, think about what future generations of boys, leaders (and really stubborn middle aged mothers) will miss out on if these brown uniforms gradually fade from our communities:  Knot Tying! to learn a lot of those complicated rope tricks if you want to make it anywhere in scouting. I can’t remember any of the names of the knots (“double flat-line sheep-bender” maybe?). And 15 minutes after I passed them off, I had no clue how to start one over again. But still, I’m pretty sure I’m a much better man today for having briefly learned, and then quickly forgotten, how to do those tricky th...

The Utah Tradition of Overly Creative Dance Invitations  By Kerry Soper (Published in  Utah Life  Magazine, March 2022)  What is the deal with the way Utah high schoolers ask each other to date-dances in the most complicated ways?  I n Utah you can’t just ask someone to a formal high school dance over the phone, with a text or even face to face—that would be too easy and straightforward.  Instead, you need to invest an insane amount of time and creative effort, more than you would ever dream of applying to actual homework.   Does it date back to a rural past, when teenagers were bored by repetitive farm chores and had to infuse their sober lives with a bit of creative mayhem?  Or is there a deeper, evolutionary explanation at work--something about a young person trying to show a potential mate that they have the raw intelligence to make bad puns with randomly arranged candy bars on a neon-colored poster board? A Punny Gag:   For example, a yo...

Camping Trip Traditions Gone Bad  By Kerry Soper (Published in  Utah Life  Magazine, May 2020)  Most Utah families have some kind of fun camping tradition: a reunion at Fish Lake, a pilgrimage to Delicate Arch, or a return to the same meadows in the High Uintas.  To my wife’s chagrin, our lone tradition was fairly unhealthy: en route to and from camping destinations, I insisted on treating our children to old-fashioned fast food at small town malt shops (giant shakes, stacked burgers, and greasy fries).  Despite her protests, that practice held strong for years until one trip to Goblin Valley in 2008 with my 11-year-old son and his sensitive stomach. Before sharing that pathetic story, a few words in my defense: I was raised in the 1970s by parents whose extreme frugality on vacations left me with some lingering psychological issues.  On one trip to Zions National Park (in our unairconditioned, oversized, wood-paneled station wagon), our lunch stop wen...

Playing the Name Game...  By Kerry Soper (Published in  Utah Life  Magazine, November 2022)  What’s the deal with Utah parents giving their kids weird names?  First, you have the moms who’ve made an art form out of mash-ups and alternative spellings: Braxton, Camdryn, Brittlynn, Tynslee, and Awstyn.  I’m sure this tradition helps to support Utah’s scrapbooking industrial complex (and spices up the postings of our famous Tik Tok moms), but can we have a brief moment of silence for all of the kindergarten teachers out there who have to memorize the spellings of a new batch of Mackynzlies and Braeysuns each Fall?    Second, you get the well-meaning Utah dads and moms who saddle their kid with the psychological baggage of being named after a legendary scripture hero—the Ammons, Nephis, Sariahs, and Josephs of the state. May I suggest that large families also mix in a few Lamans, Lemuels or Gadiantons—just as a fun, longterm social experiment?   F...

Utah Needs a New State Song By Kerry Soper (Published in  Utah Life  Magazine, November 2022) Why is it that other states have cool songs—like “Sweet Home Alabama,” “Oklahoma!” “California Dreamin’,” “Colorado Rocky Mountain High,” “Georgia on My Mind,” or “Private Idaho” --and we don't? Are we too boring? It it because there aren't any decent words that rhyme with Utah (other than grandma, blah and coleslaw)? Since it's unlikely that Taylor Swift or Beyonce are going to come to our rescue any time soon with a catchy ballad about the Beehive State, it's up to us to create our own son. To get things started, I suggest we repurpose an existing tune that's already familiar to most Utahns; t would be a simple matter of changing lyrics and title.  For example, we could capture the diversity of political views in our state with a new take on that classic Donny and Marie song where she sings, “I’m a little bit Country…” and he responds, “And I’m a little bit Rock and ...