(Published in Utah Life Magazine, November 2022)
Why is it that other states have cool songs—like “Sweet Home Alabama,” “Oklahoma!” “California Dreamin’,” “Colorado Rocky Mountain High,” “Georgia on My Mind,” or “Private Idaho”--and we don't? Are we too boring? It it because there aren't any decent words that rhyme with Utah (other than grandma, blah and coleslaw)?
Since it's unlikely that Taylor Swift or Beyonce are going to come to our rescue any time soon with a catchy ballad about the Beehive State, it's up to us to create our own son. To get things started, I suggest we repurpose an existing tune that's already familiar to most Utahns; t would be a simple matter of changing lyrics and title.
For example, we could capture the diversity of political views in our state with a new take on that classic Donny and Marie song where she sings, “I’m a little bit Country…” and he responds, “And I’m a little bit Rock and Roll.” For Utah, it could be, “I’m a little bit Fox News…/And I’m a lil’ bit Rachel Maddow”? Or reverse the order:
I’m a little bit Pelosi…/And I’m a lil’ bit anti-Joe,
I’m a bit woke and self-righteous… /And I’ve got Q-anon paranoia in my soul.I don’t know if it’s good or bad…/But I know I love it so:I’ve got a sticker-covered Subaru…/And I’m a bit Alt-right Troll.
Maybe that's too divisive? OK, let's move on.
Would it be appropriate to borrow some familiar tunes from the LDS hymn book? Probably not, which is a shame, since a few of them could be reworked into celebrations of our state’s economic boom? There are tons of options: “We Thank the O God for a Home-Flipping Profit,” “I Stand All Amazed at the Salary and Benefits this Tech Start Up Offers Me,” “Because I Have Been Give Much (I Too Must Immediately Look for a Different Job That Pays Even More),” “Come Come Ye Utahns, No Toil Nor Labor Fear (unless it’s a demanding service sector job that is traditionally filled by eager, hard-working immigrants).”
Shoot, LDS hymns could also be morphed into anthems about a variety of thriving industries: “The Essence of Lavender Like a Fire is Burning (on my skin),” “If I Could Hie to my mid 40s (with the help of botox injections),” “Where Can I Turn for a Piece (of the herbal supplement market)?” “A Rich Wayfaring Man of Fast Food Beef,” “Outdoorsy Instagram Influencer, I Would Follow Thee,” “Be Still My Coal (the fracking horde is on my side),” “How Firm is my Foundation! (made by this cosmetic surgeon’s excellent work)."
Realizing that rah-rah, boostery songs like those that are also mildly blasphemous--might not sit well with everyone, I've also been playing around with a few protest anthems that put an ironic spin on some generic primary tunes: “I looked out the window and what did I see? Unchecked development flattening that apricot tree…” Or this: “Once there was a snowpack, snowpack—tall, tall, tall… In the drought it melted, melted—small, small, small…” Yeah, that one might be too depressing. But how about this one about air pollution: “Teach me to endure the blight of this smog; Teach me to learn how to walk, bike or jog. Teach me to leave my big SUV in the garage; Teach me, teach me, to carpool with Rog’.”
I'm aware that we also need options for the younger folks in our state, so I'm working repurposing some contemporary pop songs. As an example, we morph the song Imagine Dragon's song “Radioactive” into “Radio(less)active”--and we have a tune about the ambivalence among many Gen Z folks toward organized religion. Or Carly Rae Jepson’s popular hit, “Call Me, Maybe,” could now be about young adults in Utah who are putting off the responsibilities of adult life, like getting jobs: “Hey, I just graduated from the U., and this is crazy, But I might take three gap years, so Hire Me… Maybe.” Or not getting hitched: “I’m more into video games than marriage, baby, But I’m on Insta, so DM Me, maybe.”
The downside to most of these ideas so far is that they don't have a universal appeal to all Utahns. Poaching from the Beatles songbook could be one to remedy that. Who could resist, for example, singing along to one of these reworked classics: “Lucy, nineteen-year-old BYU coed with a Diamond,” “Money Can’t Buy Me Love (or an Affordable Starter Home),” “I get pie with a little help from my friends (at the ward pot luck),” “Twist and Shout (at that dumb guy in the pick-up truck who cut me off on I-15),” “(Protein-boosted) Strawberry Smoothies Forever,” “The Long and Winding Road (of idling cars waiting to get into Arches National Park),” and “Hey Jude(Lynn) don't feel bad; Your mom just took an odd name, and made it weirder.”
Shoot, I've got a few more: “Help! You know we need some rainfall! Help! Maybe just an inch or two? Heck—Any kind of ‘moisture’ would do!” Or… “When I Find the Jazz in Trouble, Larry Miller comes to me, speaking words of wisdom: ‘Shoot a three! SHOOT A THREE!’” (Or maybe, “Block em’ out of the key!”?)
The Song, “Yesterday” might work for our population boom: “Yesterday, all my neighbors seemed so far away; Now, these rich Californians are here to stay. Suddenly, my view’s not what it used to be; Poorly built McMansions looming over me—that green space is gone so suddenly…”
Come to think of it, maybe The Beatles can even help us bridge our political and cultural divides? I’m not sure if our state is ready for John Lennon’s classic song: “Imagine there’s no religion… no political parties too…” Ha. But how about something as open ended as this: “All You Need Is Love, (and maybe some kind of caffeinated beverage)?” Or even better, we could just add some regional food favorites to a late period Beatles anthem and there’s room for everyone: “Come Together… Come Together, Right Now (to share some ham and funeral potatoes) Under a Tree.” Yeah, still a bit awkward, meter-wise, but better than something about grandma and her unfortunate coleslaw. Happy singing.
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