Utah Hiking Etiquette
By Kerry Soper
(Published in Utah Life magazine, May, 2019)
Have you ever been minding your own business, eating a breakfast burrito while walking along one of the many, beautiful outdoor trails that border our fine cities here in Utah—and then all of a sudden you encounter another person (maybe a runner) and the two of you can’t figure out who has the right of way?
This happened to me recently, and it was pretty awkward: burritos were dropped, tempers were flared, and we accidentally ended up doing one of those sophisticated tango routines you sometimes see on Dancing with the Stars. (I tried to smooth things over with a bit of friendly tickling, but the damage had already been done—that guy was not happy.)
Sadly, these types of unfortunate encounters are only going to become more common as additional people move into our state—and as advances in burrito technology make us into increasingly larger Utahns. To help remedy this growing (ha) problem, I’ve used my own personal experiences and mistakes to create this handy etiquette guide for Utah trails:
The Don’ts
First of all, when you’re on the Provo River Parkway trail, you shouldn’t make other people feel uncomfortable by walking just inches behind them—even if you were just innocently trying to conserve energy by drafting in their slipstream. (Apparently that’s just a thing among cool road bikers—not weight-challenged, middle-aged power walkers. My bad.)
When you see big city tourists out walking in a nature preserve in Park City, you should not prank them by sneaking off the trail, hiding behind a tree, and making noises like an angry female moose. They might not understand that you’re just a friendly guy out there trying to help them have a fun vacation, or that it was a moose you were imitating, or that they shouldn’t call the police, or that you don’t need a psychiatrist.
Do not try to get chummy with a stocky, bearded park ranger on the most narrow part of Angel’s Landing in Zion’s National Park by giving him a surprise shoulder massage—even if it did seem like he was looking a little tight. And guess who has a really high-pitched scream? Yeah, Mr. Tense Shoulders.
Finally, don’t take off all your clothes when you hike up to the hot springs in Diamond Fork Canyon. You can leave on your Spiderman underwear; it makes for a neat conversation starter.
The Do’s
For starters, no matter what your wife says, if you’re hiking Mt. Timpanogos and you still feel dehydrated after drinking the only two juice boxes you had in your backpack, you can sneak up and take random sips from strangers’ water bottles without permission. (Just be sure to whisper “thank you” and wipe the saliva off when you’re done.)
If you’re hiking the popular Zion’s Narrows trail, and you see some foreign tourists, try to leave them with a positive impression of our country by singing patriotic hymns in an inspiring falsetto as you pass. And remember, in many cultures, when people shake their heads and look confused, that means they love it and want more.
If you see some teenage kids dressed like pioneers, pushing handcarts down a trail nearby, catch up to them and act like an old-fashioned bully (making fun of their clothes, pushing stuff off their carts, calling them names like “Molly Mormon” or “Peter Priesthood,” whatever). Some of the younger ones might cry a little bit, but it’s good for them; it makes the whole Trek experience more memorable and historically accurate.
The Maybe Cans
If you hike regularly up Mill Creek Canyon, and you keep running into another hiker who lets his big dog to run around off leash, (and that canine likes to jump up on people who have a bowel-loosening fear of big dogs), then maybe you can feed that dog little chunks of cheddar cheese sprinkled with laxative. You know, just for a fun surprise the next time it jumps up on a white couch or something instead of you. (Hey, “eye for an eye, pants for a couch.”)
If you hike up to Timpanogos Cave in American Fork Canyon, you should tell the tour guides before you go into the cave that you’re claustrophobic and afraid of the dark. Doing it later, inside, with panicked barking sounds might make them hit their head on one of those stalagmatites, or stalactots (I don’t know which one—I was too busy dry heaving during that part).
Finally, don’t forget that the biggest rule on Utah trails is just to have fun—and always bring an extra juice box, (and save part of your breakfast burrito), in case you want to make a new friend/dance partner.
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