Kerry Soper—Humor Columns

  The Longest Half Marathon By Kerry Soper (Published by Utah Life, Sept 2019) This is the sad tale of how I signed up for – and didn’t run – the St. George Marathon. About 10 years ago, all my buddies were talking about their cool running accomplishments: doing a 10K for charity, anchoring a difficult leg of the Ragnar, getting a personal best in the Hobble Creek Half. Having nothing to add other than a joke about achieving a personal best in burrito consumption – I decided to jog onto the bandwagon. Setting my sights high, I signed up for the St. George Marathon. Then came weeks of boring jogs, “fun runs” that taught me the meaning of the word “oxymoron,” and perpetually sore knees. One of my overachieving, athletic friends, seeing that I was struggling, suggested I run a half marathon in Provo Canyon, which he was confident I could handle, it being almost completely downhill. If I could complete the race in under two hours, he assured me, I would have no problem with that long...

  Utah's Curious Food Traditions  By Kerry Soper  (Published in Utah Life Magazine, January 1, 2023)  I was recently watching a TV series that celebrates the signature food traditions of our nation. In each episode they take on a different state, depicting in amber-hued, high-definition shots, scenes of photogenic young adults enjoying great bbq in Texas… laughing over a New York style pizza… picking apart lobsters in Maine… or licking their fingers at a crawfish boil in Louisiana.  Maybe I was just in a cynical mood, but I couldn’t help wonder, “What the heck are they going to film when they get to Utah? A ten-minute montage of senior citizens eating jello salad? Or maybe a slow motion shot of a heavy-set guy in a BYU t-shirt filling multiple sacrament-style cups with fry sauce?”  I polled my friends and family, asking if they could think of a hip but overlooked culinary trend in Utah that would look good on film. No luck. While our state can indeed lay...

  Nobody Does Patriotism Like Utah By Kerry Soper (Published in Utah Life magazine, July 4, 2020) Several years ago, I was annoyed by the extreme degree of patriotism on display in the central  part of our state: Freedom Festivals, Colonial Heritage Reenactments, Stadiums of Fire, and  Founding Father-themed charter schools. I tried to suppress my grouchiness (knowing that my  attitude might be perceived as unAmerican), but I was finally pushed over the edge when I  attended our fourth Hope of America Pageant (for our last 5 th grader) in the BYU Marriott  Center. A perfect storm of factors triggered my patriotism overload that night: crushing crowds, flags  everywhere, the surreal snapshot of 50 dancing grannies doing synchronized splits in star- spangled mini-skirts, and the deafening roar of three thousand off-tune tweens in sunglasses  punching the air while bellowing Orrin Hatch’s cool-dude anthem, “America Rocks!”  My wife  saw so...

The Plight of Utah's Middle Children By Kerry Soper (Published in Utah Life magazine, January 1, 2021) H AVE YOU EVER noticed that many people in Utah come from especially large families? No, I’m not talking about physical size— I mean sheer number of children: 5, 6, 7 kids. For people with small families, it must look fun: built-in friends for life and reunions full of food and games. All true, but as an actual member of a large family, I want to shed light on one significant downside:  the plight of Utah’s middle child. Here’s how it goes: the first couple of kids get all their parents’ attention and resources; they often become overachieving superstars. The last kids – the “babies” – are adored and allowed to do whatever they want since the parents eventually become exhausted and burned out. But what about the middle child? These poor fools end up receiving all the rules but none of the attention paid to the first two kids. And they face all the neglect but none of the relaxed ...

  A Fly-Fishing Fool  By Kerry Soper (Published in Utah Life magazine, September, 2018) For a pastime that is supposed to be about enjoying solitude in the great outdoors, fly-fishing can  also be surprisingly effective at turning a clueless middle-aged man into an embarrassing public  spectacle. Consider this cautionary tale: When I was in my mid 30s I decided to take up fly fishing, but because it cost me half a year’s  salary just to purchase all the complicated gear (waders, rod, reel, and a pile of accessories that dangled from my vest like Christmas tree ornaments), I couldn’t afford lessons or a guide.  So as  a complete novice, I drove to the Provo River for my first attempt; halfway up the canyon, I  pulled over at Vivian Park, geared up, and set off up the river bank, looking like an oversized  Teletubby in my chest-high waders. When I finally settled on a spot and gingerly entered the water, several factors conspired against ...

Has Our Hiking Tradition Gone Too Far? By Kerry Soper (Published in  Utah Life  Magazine, September, 2020)  Did you know that folks in Utah Valley eat more ice cream per capita than any other region of the country? (Don't google that--because it might not be technically true, but for the sake of this article, it sounds about right, no?) Based on that likely statistic, you’d think that any tradition of outdoor exercise in the area would be a good thing.  Sometimes a particular hike, though—like the climbing of Mt. Timpanogos every year by people of radically varying ability—becomes too popular for its own good.   This mania got started back in 1912 when BYU’s athletic director inaugurated the “Timp Hike”—an annual, community-wide excursion meant to promote healthy living, an appreciation of nature, and probably a bit of chaste, open-aired speed dating given the college connection.  The rituals surrounding the event were weirdly epic: a pre-hike pageant...