By Kerry Soper
What is the deal with the way Utah high schoolers ask each other to date-dances in the most complicated ways? In Utah you can’t just ask someone to a formal high school dance over the phone, with a text or even face to face—that would be too easy and straightforward.
Instead, you need to invest an insane amount of time and creative effort, more than you would ever dream of applying to actual homework.
Does it date back to a rural past, when teenagers were bored by repetitive farm chores and had to infuse their sober lives with a bit of creative mayhem? Or is there a deeper, evolutionary explanation at work--something about a young person trying to show a potential mate that they have the raw intelligence to make bad puns with randomly arranged candy bars on a neon-colored poster board?
A Punny Gag: For example, a young man from Pleasant Grove scattered Hershey kisses across a girl’s front sidewalk and left a giant sign that said, “Now that I’ve kissed the ground you’ve walked on, how about going to Homecoming with me?”
Sappy? Yes. Hygenic? No. But flattering and relatively clear, I guess. In another case a young woman from Logan delivered a box that said, “I know this is cheesy, but…” On the inside? A homemade pizza that spelled out “Prom.” Hard to say no, right, when a free meal is involved?
Low Brow Wordplay: If basic puns aren’t enough for you, you can spice up the dad-jokes with some mild innuendo or potty humor. A junior from Orem delivered a bunch of sweet rolls with the note, “Can I haul your buns to prom?” Cheeky, right? Ha--sorry about that.
In Spanish Fork a young man spread peas across a young woman’s porch and left a giant note that said, “Sorry I pead all over your porch! But prom?” I know it doesn’t really make logical sense; bonus points, though, for a nice visual gag.
The Grand Gesture: If you have some talent, consider executing something even more impressive. One young guy from Farmington created the “Starry Night” painting on his potential date’s Honda Odyssey windshield and then wrote, “Will you Van Gogh to prom with me?” (Too bad he didn’t stop there; he also filled her trunk with about fifty fake, severed ears…)
Another ambitious young woman created her own picture book with the invite hidden on the final page. She then hid the handmade text in the Provo public library and arranged for the guy (who actually worked there) to randomly pull it out of the stacks and read it aloud to a large group of parents and children at story time. Kind of hard for him to say no under those circumstances. Too bad that the complexity of this stunt almost landed the young woman in the hospital from nervous exhaustion.
Now let’s cover some strategies to avoid:
The Pain in the Butt Prank: If you’re not careful, impressive spectacle can turn accidentally into low grade vandalism and cute puzzles can morph into cruel scavenger hunts.
A classic mistake is filling the target’s bedroom with something visually impressive but difficult to clean up: hundreds of balloons, a ton of old bananas, a forest of dried out Christmas trees, or a carpet covered with glitter. The use of fire is also a bad idea, especially if it involves messages scorched into lawns
The irritation of the invitee can be further inflamed (no pun intended this time) if there’s an impossible challenge at the center of the hazing: finding the one soggy, microscopic note hidden in a sea of raisins; requiring the girl to melt a boulder size block of ice to get to the invite (something I did as a Provo High senior back in 1985); or piecing together a message with a dozen strips of paper scattered among thousands of identically shaped shreds. One young man from Ogden forced his date into a $700 dollar car repair when the packing peanuts he used to fill her car were accidentally sucked into the air conditioning system.
The Live Animal Lollapalooza: You should also avoid using real animals or live human beings in your elaborate plots. I’ve received reports of young people delivering their invites with the help homing pigeons, baby kittens, beleaguered turtles, and confused rabbits. One mother from Herriman remembers bitterly spending over $200 to get an “invitation puppy” neutered, up to date on its shots—and then eventually rehomed.
When it comes to live human props, there's always the danger of someone getting injured, like the kid in the East Millcreek area of Salt Lake who was strung over the roof of the house like an angel. As you can guess, the rope broke; I’m not clear about his specific injuries, but he’s even worse now at math.
In Brigham City, a very trusting family allowed a five-year-old sister to be enclosed in a box, delivered to a front door, and then instructed to remain mute for several hours as the target’s family tried to figure out who she was and why she was in their house.
Finally, remember that you can always Swim Against the Current in clever ways. Consider the boy from Provo who broke from convention and just left a crumpled paper sack on a girl’s porch with a sloppily-penned note attached: “Here’s a bagel. Want to go to prom?”
If we could get a majority of Utah teens to slow down a bit and follow this guy’s lead, can you imagine the amount of woman and manpower that could be redirected in productive ways? Our state would probably produce a couple Nobel prize winners (not the angel kid, of course) and maybe a few Mozarts and Van Goghs (both ears intact though, hopefully).
Oh well, in the meantime, don’t be surprised if you open your front door in the near future and there’s a horse on your front lawn with a sign attached, asking your daughter to indicate “Yea,” or “Neigh.”
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