Utah has some weird laws on the books…. For example, did you know that it’s illegal to throw a snowball in Provo? In Logan, women are forbidden to swear. And you’re breaking the law in Monroe if daylight can’t be seen between you and your dance partner. (Who’s dancing during the day in Central Utah?)
In addition, fishing on horseback with a crossbow in the Uintas is against the rules. (Makes sense, but since when was that a thing?) And finally, it’s illegal throughout the Beehive to hunt for whales. (I’m guessing there were some gaps in the early pioneers’ grade school curriculum?)
These prohibitions probably had a convoluted logic at some point in the past, but their viability date has definitely expired by now. So as long as we’re tolerating bizarrely specific and outdated laws in our state, why don’t we add a few new ones that might actually address some real problems?
The Potluck Policy: If invited to a potluck dinner with friends or family in Utah, it will now be illegal to show up with any of the following: an undersized, pre-opened bag of potato chips; week-old, re-gifted brownies; a seven-layer dip where the avocado has turned gray.
Bringing casseroles can also get you into trouble (especially if made with tepid, cream of mushroom soup), though their legality can be assessed on a case by case basis. And if the person assigned to bring the only dessert arrives with an especially dry and bland experiment in making gluten-free "treats,” they are automatically sentenced to bring Krispy Kreme donuts to all gatherings for the next three years.
The Social Media Statute: It will now be a felony in Utah to do any of the following on social media: flaunt pictures in January from your family’s December trip to Hawaii; repost political memes of any variety; brag about a woke diet, ambitious exercise routine, or overachieving family; or make randomly mean (and typo-riddled) coments under anohter peersons post.
At the misdemeanor level, you can be cited for trying to become a product-promoting influencer; for including too many overly creative hashtags; or for revealing disturbing pictures of any kind of physical wound or post-operation scar. Cute pet pictures are allowed if kept within reasonable limits (no more than one per day), unless you own a snake or rat—keep those to yourself.
The Bragging Parent Bylaw: You can now receive a citation in Utah for painting sloppy words on your oversized SUV that announce to random strangers that your child is a varsity athlete at a local high school and has an important game that particular afternoon (eg: “Tigers Varsity Soccer #12 Go Brittlynn!!”).
The Food-Ordering Fiat: At any Café Rio (or similar fast-casual dining franchise) along the Wasatch Front it will now be illegal for a single person to back up the line at lunchtime by ordering fifteen elaborately different types of salads or burritos for co-workers back at the office. The punishment for this crime can increase if the perp is loud and obnoxious towards the restaurant employees or has to repeatedly amend each order because he or she can’t read their own handwriting.
The Wedding Reception Invitation Regulation: Henceforth it will be illegal in our state to send out wedding announcement photos that depict too much enthusiastic hugging or showy smooching. Fines can be forgiven, however, if the image is so awkward that it becomes unintentionally hilarious—we want more of that.
The Multi-level Marketing Measure: It will now be illegal to exploit relationships with family members, friends or neighbors by trying to recruit them into any kind of get-rich quick boondoggle. In addition, a person can be fined for turning random conversations with strangers into a product pitch; for making grand, snake-oil style promises to people who are chronically ill; or for asking friends to host an awkward party that promotes some kind of outrageously overpriced item, like $30 wash cloths, unnecessary kitchen gadgets or anything with “essential” in its title.
The Crowded Fishing Conditions Commandment: Finally, it will now be illegal to show up at a random lake in our state and begin fishing so close to another Utahn that you might as well be wearing the same pants. Extra fines can be applied if there are children in the invading party who throw large rocks into the water, or if loud, thumping music is played for the benefit of the entire lake. Oh yeah, and if you’re coming in on horseback, please leave your whale-hunting crossbows at home.
Comments
Post a Comment