As you probably know, Utah played host to some pretty famous movies in the past: The Searchers, Footloose, High School Musical, Dumb and Dumber, The Sandlot. But what have we done recently? Can we point to any cool movies that aren’t a full decade or two out of date?
I’m embarrassed to report, in fact, that our state is currently being used as a generic setting for cookie-cutter, Christmas-themed Hallmark Romances. (You know, those straight-to-streaming-service flicks where a jaded, big-city career woman falls in love with a small-town hunk who wears flannel shirts and either makes custom furniture, bakes artisanal sourdough bread, or trains horses with ADHD).
I think our problem is that we’ve only promoted Utah up until now as a superficial backdrop for movies. What if we could get Hollywood to embrace the culture of our state as well? I see that as a “win-win”: they get to spice up their fading franchises with some Utah quirkiness, and we get to reclaim the big-screen spotlight.
For starters, it seems like those Harry Potter movies could use some new, Utah-centric ideas. Here are some possibilities: “Harry Potter and the Troublesome Tik Tok Mom,” “Harry Potter and the Awkward Herbal Supplement,” “Harry Potter and the Smarmy Summer Sales Bro,” “Harry Potter and the Perilous Potluck,” or “Harry Potter and the Machiavellian
Multi-Level Marketer”?
I just sent J.K. Rowling the script for “Harry Potter and the Cursed (and Carpeted) Cultural Hall” (but I haven’t heard back from her yet). I’m worried the title’s a bit unwieldy, but there’s a cool climax where Harry, Ron and Hermione (who legitimately reserve the cultural hall for Quidditch practice), have to battle a group of middle-aged, white male muggles in overly tight shorts who are determined to use the same space to shoot some hoops. Hermione shows off a new spell (“Expeliarmus-Amateur-Baller-Egomanius!”); Ron discovers their opponents’ key vulnerability (“They have weak ankles!”); and Harry defeats their leader in a contest of fake swearing and passive aggressive guilt tripping.
Moving on, it seems like The Fast and the Furious franchise could also use a Utah-themed revival. How about a new installment titled The Slow and the Curious—about an elderly couple wondering why there are so many cars lined up behind them as they leisurely explore I-15’s Express Lane for a couple of hours? It’ll be super suspenseful, in a slow-build sort of way, but maybe there aren’t enough explosions or action scenes--unless you count the chaos that ensues when the wife tries to turn off her blinker and accidentally activates the windshield wipers instead, startling her grouchy husband.
If those “Fast” movies could move beyond the world of cool cars, then the Utah options are endless: The Last and the Gaseous (about those self-important speakers in church meetings who go ten minutes overtime); The Harassed and the Discourteous (Utahns discussing politics in fun ways over social media); and The Miscast and The Tedious about the 10th community production of The Music Man that you’ve had to attend in the last four years).
With Tom Cruise getting a bit long in the tooth (is he now in his 80s?), maybe the Mission Impossible franchise could also feature some Utah-specific missions that don’t require him to climb skyscrapers in weird jeggings, or to blow dry his hair in slow motion once again on a speeding motorcycle. For example, maybe he could be tasked with simply getting state officials in Utah to agree on a plan to limit water use before a dried-up Great Salt Lake becomes the perfect dystopian setting for the next Mad Max movie?
I realize that the Marvel people already have a surplus of superheroes in their sprawling multiverse, but maybe there’s room for a few more with some Utah swagger: Captain Constitution (more pugnaciously patriotic than Captain America, his superstrength is his ability to wear down opponents with long rants cribbed from conservative talk radio); the Silicon Slopes Surfer (really good at surfing the web, I guess); Stormlynn, Gamoralynn and Black Widowlynn (you know, the weird names Utahns give their kids); Dr. Sunstone (a cynical egghead with an unlimited capacity to pick apart all things religious); and the Mormon Tab Mutants (not outwardly weird, like the real X-Men, just freakishly good at synchronized sitting and standing—and twice yearly, really effective at putting large groups of people to sleep by singing slow songs in perfect harmony.
I’m not sure if I dare suggest any additions to Lord of the Rings canon (since they’ve already made so many of those dang movies and series); but if they ever do come to our state, we could offer them some economic breaks—like a discount on forging new “rings of power” since we have so many flippin’ jewelry stores concentrated in Utah Valley.
The Star Wars people are also welcome to come here and use any of our deserts (which we may soon have more of) as settings for Tatooine. As part of the deal, we promise not to bring up again those awkward copyright issues about Yoda being based on one of our former religious heroes—the gravely-voiced and floppy-eared Spencer W. Kimball.
My Utah film ideas aren’t limited to big blockbuster sequels, by the way; I’m also working on a few concepts for remaking some old classics: Dorky Dancing (you know, instead of “Dirty”), Close Encounters of the Clueless Driving Kind; Indiana Jones and the Temple of Orem (or maybe the Temple of Oquirrh Mountain, if you think that sounds cooler); Geneva Steel Magnolias; and Willy Wonka and the Crumbl Cookie Franchise.
If none of this sounds appealing to the folk in Hollywood, then maybe can at least get a crack at putting a Utah spin on one of those dumb Hallmark movies? Like instead of the same old story about “fatigued and middle-aged people, without kids, falling in love, and then re-finding their youthful optimism,” how about a good ol’ Beehive State reversal: “young people falling in love, having lots of little kids in quick succession, and then losing their optimism as they gradually grow fatigued and middle aged”? Anyway, give us a call Hollywood—we’ve reserved the cultural hall and are ready to start shooting when you are.
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