When I was a kid, people used to joke about longtime Utahns pronouncing words with a lazy nasal twist (fork was “fark,” creek was “crick,” and mountain was “mow’n”). Nowadays, with most people in our state watching the same Netflix shows and living largely in the suburbs, we no longer stand apart from the rest of the country when it comes to a distinctive accent. But we do still say a flippin’ ton of weird things—like the following Utahisms:
“OH. MY. HECK…” On the surface, this phrase just seems like some watered-down profanity; but to the native Utahn, it has a rich array of meanings and uses, depending on intonation and context. It could mean, “BYU just gave up another touchdown to Utah!” or “I just got asked to prom in the most complicated way!” or even, “Sodalicious just came up with an awesome new flavor—it mixes Dr. Pepper with more Dr. Pepper!” If you’re new to the state, I recommend that you drop “OH.My.HECK…” at least twice into every conversation (no matter the subject) and you’ll fit right in.
By the way, other pretend swear words in Utah include Darn, Dang, Crap, Crud, Shoot, Flip, Frick, Fetch, and Democrat. (Oof, that’s an old joke. Apologies.)
“Howzitgo’n?”—This is Utah’s standard greeting. Similar to the well-known “Wassup?” of the East coast, you should mumble this phrase through your nose with as little effort as possible, like you can barely be bothered. And don’t expect a real answer—as if you really cared about how the other person’s day is going. That would be awkward.
“Nourish and strengthen”—We Utahns are a health-conscious people who try to treat our bodies like temples (slightly chubby temples, I guess, based on my own model and those of the people I know). That means staying away from harmful substances like alcohol and drugs, of course, but it also results in public prayers in which we ask God to bless anything we eat—including overcooked brownies, melting tubs of ice cream, and crumbling Costco cookies—so that they “may nourish and strengthen our bodies.”
I know what you’re wondering: “Why not buy healthy treats instead of asking a deity to magically transform processed carbs?” Or, “Do you really need a cookie to nourish and strengthen your body when it’s likely that you already consumed a Chik-fil-A sandwich, a sugary protein bar and a monster-sized energy drink on your way to the church activity?” Good questions—but probably best answered by the theologians; in the meantime, eat your flippin’ sanctified cinnamon roll. (You’ll need the extra strength to finish this article.)
“Moisture”—We live in a desert state, but we want to pretend like there’s enough water that we can all put on a daily lawn-sprinkling, water-show similar to the one at the Bellagio in Las Vegas. Maybe because of this disconnect we can’t talk about water shortages directly; instead, we’ve come up with a vague, catch all term—“moisture”—to address the problem in an oblique way.
For example, go into any LDS meeting house at the height of a summer drought and you’re sure to hear someone over the pulpit asking God to “bless us with the moisture that we need.” To an outsider, it probably sounds like everyone in the state is suffering from a severe case of eczema.
“Tender Mercy”—People in other states say this phrase as well, but I’m betting not as much as we do. Any sudden improvement in a Utahn’s life—from the dramatic to the mundane—can be a tender mercy. “Those essential oils are helping to relieve your gluten-induced migraines? Tender mercy.” “The line at Café Rio is especially short today? Tender mercy.” “Church is now only two hours long? Extra tender mercy.”
“This is the Place”—This line was originally coined by Brigham Young as he arrived to the valley, feverish, peeking over edge of his sick bed from the back of a wagon (not exactly the heroic stance of the famous statue). Now the phrase serves as a handy, state-wide, inside joke. Let’s say you find a nice bit of shade where you and your neighbors can set up your camping chairs to watch your four-year-olds play mob ball out on the local soccer field? You can get a courtesy chuckle by pretentiously arching your back while gesturing grandly at a small patch of grass and pronouncing, “This is the…” (you get the idea).
Beware that repeated and less ironic uses of this phrase with your children while on vacation will result in irritated eye rolls rather than polite laughs. Not that I would know from personal experience.
Finally, “Families are Forever”—this common Utah saying could be a sweet promise or a cynical threat, depending on the day and how you’re feeling about your cranky, binge-watching spouse and whiney, video-game-addicted children. In a person’s darkest moments, it pairs nicely—in paradoxical fashion—with another common Utah maxim: “Endure to the End (while eating plenty of prayed-over donuts, of course, for nourishment and strength).”
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