Maybe you’ve noticed that we have a widespread problem with strange and outdated high school mascots in our state? There’s the Davis “Dart” (looking like a cross between a deranged bumble bee and a floppy hypodermic needle); the Jordan “Beetdigger,” (a sad guy in overalls); the American Fork “Caveman,” (straight out of Saturday morning cartoons from the 1970s); “The Don” of Spanish Fork (a fancy guy from Spain?); and the Springville “Red Devil” (one of Satan’s spawn who just really wants this particular football team from Utah Valley make it to state this year). And what about “The Friendly Fighting Scot” of Ben Lomond High? (I guess he’s the worst kind of fighting Scot? So passive aggressive?)
In the hopes of solving this problem, I’ve been brainstorming some alternatives that might help our state’s high schools catch up to the twenty first century.
For starters, maybe we could introduce some mascots that reflect how Utah teens actually spend the bulk of their free time these days. For example, we could switch to the Jordan “Minecrafter,” the “Mario Bro” of Monroe, or the “Animal Crosser” of Copper Hills. Students in west Salt Lake could add just one word to their existing mascot, becoming the “Bingham High BitCoin Miners.”
True, this plan could risk encouraging young people to spend even more time in the digital realm, but consider the financial savings high schools will enjoy by shifting money from expensive, outdoor sports (like football) to cheap virtual contests like “Call of Duty” or “Fortnite.” And imagine the huge number of sedentary kids in your state who will get a chance to earn varsity letters if traditional state rivalries (like the “Mountain View “World of WarCrafters” vs. the Orem High “Legends of Zelda”) are now played out in the online world.
(Just thinking about that matchup makes me feel a bit emotional—or maybe on the verge of having a bright lights and motion-induced seizure).
Given that teenage Utahns are also hopelessly addicted to their smart phones, we could also propose social media themed mascots like the East High “Instagram Influencer;” the “Taylorsville “Tiktokker;” the Springville “Snap-chatter;” and the Farmington “Facebooker.”
(I know, you’re right—that Facebook idea would probably embarrass most 15-year-olds, since that site is only used by Utahns over the age of 40 these days. But I don’t think these choices can be entrusted to smart-alecky teenagers; look what happened when administrators at Farmington High allowed the student body to choose their own mascot a couple of years ago: the students opted for the ‘Farts’ or the ‘Fascists,’ and when those cheeky proposals were rejected, they settled for the ‘Phoenixes.’” Or is it “Phoenises?” Either way, something sounds a bit off.)
I’ll admit that I’m also a little queasy about the idea of our mascots promoting powerful tech companies, but what if those arrangements came with lucrative endorsements deals? That could be the answer to our state’s chronic funding problems. We could even invite some local industries to sponsor high school mascots, like they sometimes do with college stadiums. For example, we could have The “Café Rio Sweet Pork Burritos” of Bountiful High, The “Abobe Apps” of American Fork or the Dixie High “Dirty Soda Swiggers.” (I’m not so sure about that last one, connotations-wise). What if the “Corner Canyon Chargers” (near the point of the mountain) negotiated a catch-all endorsement by changing their identity to the ‘Silicon Slopers.’ If that feels a bit much, maybe they could ease into the tech world by first becoming the ‘Cellphone Chargers?’”
The lowest hanging corporate fruit, of course, is doing some kind of profitable collaboration with local MLM companies. Consider these possibilities: the Northridge High ‘NuSkinners;’ the Uintah High ‘USANAs’ (“we give our football players mildly dangerous herbal supplements rather than definitely dangerous steroids”); the Delta High ‘Doterras’ (“lavender diffusers in all the locker rooms!”); and the ‘LouLaRoers’ of Lehigh High.” I know, that last one’s a mouthful, but imagine Lehigh’s new basketball team, all clad in inappropriately colorful and confusing leggings as they run up and down the court, effectively disorienting the competition? I smell state championship. (I guess the only serious risk with these MLM-themed mascots is that they might eventually alienate their own friends, families—and the entire student body—as they try to manipulate everyone to become a member of the downline).
Finally, maybe we should take advantage of the passionate political partisanship of typical Utahns. Imagine the exciting rivalries that might flare up if we pitted the “Doomsday Preppers” of Provo High against the Layton High “Illuminati”? Or the Timpview High “Truthers” vs. The “Snowflakes” of Snow Canyon High? Or even the “Conspiracy Theorists” of Cottonwood High vs. the “Woke Social Justice Warriors” of West High?””
Oof, on second and third thought, I’m not really excited about any of these ideas. You know what—forget I even brought all this up; let’s just stick with the endearing awkwardness of the Jordan “Beetdiggers” vs. the Davis “Darts.” When it comes down to it, I’d rather see a nerdy guy dressed as a farmer fighting off a floppy bumble bee, than get into any kind of MLM weirdness or add a new battleground to the culture wars. Long live goofy, inconsequential—and even “fighting-friendly”—mascots.
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