Kerry Soper—Humor Columns

Utah's Obsession with Shakespeare  By Kerry Soper (Published in  Utah Life  Magazine, November 2021) Back in 1985, the Provo High drama department unintentionally turned Romeo and Juliet , a 400-year-old tragedy, into a slapstick comedy.  In the midst of that pathetic evening—as I stood in the wings with a broken finger, listening to the audience’s laughter—I could have asked, “Who’s to blame for this disaster?”   Well, mostly me (and we’ll get to that), but first let’s consider who was culpable for making Shakespeare such a permanent fixture in this state that random students like me had no choice but to act in one of his complicated plays.   The first culprits were those dang pioneers who reportedly loved the Bard so much that they lugged his collected works across the plains.  Early journals indicate that as soon as a few log cabins were built in any Utah settlement, the next move was to establish a local “dramatic association” to tackle Hamlet or ...

Utah's Choir Culture By Kerry Soper (Published in  Utah Life  Magazine, May 2021) It’s not easy being a clueless singer in a state where people love participating in choirs, musicals and acapella singing.  My greatest humiliations have occurred, in fact, when people expected me to jump right in and sing competently—like any other Utahn.   My earliest moment of shame came during the dress rehearsal for the Christmas pageant at Farmington Elementary, back in 1974.  Our second-grade teacher, a stout woman who wore olive-green pantsuits, scolded me in front of the entire school for simply singing off key to “Silent Night.”  OK, and also for playing air drums with reindeer antlers using the wrong words--a clever parody about silent flatulence.    As a chunky 12-year old, I was required to take singing lessons after being accidentally cast in a significant role in “Aurelia!” (a musical about the woman who organized the first LDS primary).  During m...

The Ultimate Frisbee Fiasco  By Kerry Soper (Published in  Utah Life  Magazine, May 2022) There have been some seismic shifts over the last several decades in the sports young people play in Utah.  When I was an unathletic kid, back in the 1970s, the options for boys were limited to little league baseball, football, and an early form of mixed martial arts called church basketball.  Nowadays, most kids are suiting up for soccer and lacrosse—or just staying indoors to work up a virtual sweat playing Minecraft.    “Ultimate Frisbee”—a sport with a weirdly ambiguous and hyperbolic name—has also become huge in our state over the past couple of decades.  There are now close to 200 Ultimate high school teams in the state, and each major university runs an elaborate intramural program for the sport.   When I played in my first (and only) fully-officiated Ultimate game in 2016, I made a fool of myself for two reasons:  First, I had an inflated se...

A Guide to Driving in Utah By Kerry Soper (Published in  Utah Life  Magazine, January 2021) As a newcomer to this state, perhaps you’ve been confused (and sometimes even terrified) by the behavior of Utah drivers?  Well, relax, I can teach you the rules of the road, so that you can join in the chaos with confidence--and eventually learn how to confuse and terrify others.   First off, maybe you’ve heard that Utah drivers are the worst in the country.  Not true!  They’re actually the 3 rd worst.  They used to be the worst, a couple years ago, but chronic construction along the I-15 corridor has slowed things down a bit and skewed the statistics in our favor.  Too bad for you, Alaska and Florida.   Secondly, don’t be fooled by the new bike lanes and light rail lines showing up around the state; Utahns won’t go anywhere without their cars.  For example, most people live within about three blocks of the church they attend, but you’ll rarely...

A Guide to Utah's Newest Seasonal Festivals!  By Kerry Soper (Published in  Utah Life  Magazine, March 2020) If you’re new to Utah, perhaps you’ve heard of the state’s old fashioned, seasonal festivals that are themed according to the crops once grown by local farmers.  We have Brigham City Peach Days, Bear Lake Raspberry Days, Green River Melon Days, and the fun, but unfortunately named, Payson City Onion Days.   Times have changed though, and so have Utah’s crops and industries.  As a result, there’s an exciting slate of new seasonal festivals you can check out:   Highland City Botox Days —Bring the whole family to admire Northern Utah county’s bumper crop of plastic surgery procedures.  In the main street parade you’ll see floats carrying Utah’s “Rhinoplasty Royalty,” the “Middle-Age-Crisis-Hair-Plug-Kings of 2019,” and an inclusive tribute to the broad array of orangish spray tan colors you might encounter on young women in this corner o...

Awkward Christmas Giving Traditions By Kerry Soper (Published in  Utah Life  Magazine, November 2020) Like most Americans, Utahns enjoy the typical holiday traditions: listening to the same classic songs on an endless loop; driving around at night to admire overzealous light displays; and watching A Christmas Story (or Elf) for the 52 nd time.  We may be a bit peculiar, though, in our enthusiasm for organizing well-meaning, but overly complicated gestures of holiday charity that can sometimes go wrong.  For starters, there are the inevitable awkward moments that come from dividing people, in fairly homogeneous communities, into givers and receivers.  One of my female friends, who lives in a modest home in Utah Valley, once got a call from a wealthy neighbor who was organizing a Sub for Santa campaign.  After my friend eagerly agreed to pitch in, there was a long silence over the phone.  She suddenly realized that the woman wasn’t asking for her help...

A Guide to Skiing in Utah on a Middle-Class Budget By Kerry Soper (Published in  Utah Life  Magazine, January 2019) If you’re a middle-class Utahn with a good number of kids like me, you’ve probably wondered, “Is there a legal way for my family to enjoy skiing, the most expensive sport known to mankind?”  The answer is a qualified YES.  It won’t be pretty—you’ll have to do things that are opportunistic, occasionally humiliating, and guaranteed to damage the self-esteem of your preteen-aged children—but it can be done.   So let’s get started! First of all, Gear: What are your options?  To afford new skis, each of your children will have to sell a kidney.  If you rent , you’ll spend your winters standing in lines and schlepping armloads of sharp objects to and from cars.   So that leaves you with just one option: buy used gear.    You can be my like my parents who were pathologically frugal. In the early 1980s, they bought for me (an in...